Hi. If I were to say to you now that I had some form of a plan for this post, I would be lying to you. I wish I did, alas, I don’t. Unlike usual though, I actually have semi-interesting things to talk about and update the internet on, so my assigned FBI agent can get the full low-down on my life, it’s just getting those things into cohesive sentences that I’m struggling with today. Thats the problem with writing – your best creations happen when you try the least (well, thats what I find anyway).
For the longest time I have been in a lull, just existing through each day, always feeling like I was missing something and constantly on the precipice of something big. It’s been an odd year. I can’t tell you the amount of times my life plan has changed; for someone who likes to have a concrete idea of what is going on at all times, I’m pretty indecisive when it comes to my future. I am like this because I’m quite simply terrified of following my real life plan (which I won’t be disclosing to you now, sorry) just in case it doesn’t work out. This fear stems from self doubt, and because of this I regularly create multiple more comfortable, and less petrifying life plans and flick between them in my mind. Am I mad? Quite possibly, and it’s not even a “cute” kind of crazy that I can get away with. I digress, the point that I am trying to make with this very long winded and over explained introduction, is that things are looking up.
Last week I got a proper job, an apprenticeship to be exact. After over a year of countless application forms, job/apprenticeship fairs, interviews, online tests and assessment days (and a mental breakdown or… five), I’ve done it – I am now a webcasting & video content apprentice. I’ll be honest with you internet, I’m sh*t scared. This apprenticeship could be the start of something that I have thought about – dare I say, dreamed about – for a long time. I never thought I’d even have the slightest chance and yet here I sit, sending emails back and forth to my new manager about becoming a junior content producer (pinch me, seriously somebody pinch me). But the newness does not stop there, oh no, this week I finally started driving lessons. I have been tormented by the prospect of driving for an embarrassing amount of time – like many things in life, it makes me unreasonably anxious. But as things have started to unfold in recent weeks, it seemed only right to tick this off my giant list of things I’ve been meaning to do (it’s actually not as bad as I feared, what a fool I am).
I don’t mean to sound dramatic, and I really do not want to jinx it, but I feel as if things are starting to come together. These two milestones have caused a ripple effect, and little by little I’ve been taking more control of the smaller things that have been cluttering my brain for the longest time: I’ve started making jewellery (something I’ve wanted to attempt for ages), I recently had my first photography commission for a local business, I’m finally making plans to see friends after too long apart and the old mountain of clothes in the corner of my bedroom is up for sale at last (thank our internet overlords for Ebay). Ironically, after all of these positive goings on, the feeling of being on the precipice of something is larger than ever. Which is scary, but for once instead of being overwhelmed by it, I’m ready to take it on, to make something of it, to get my teeth stuck in to something new.
I’ll leave you with something my dad said to me the other day: “Fear just means you’re doing something exciting” – now I don’t believe this is the case if you’re living the reality of a horror film, or trying to catch that ginormous spider you just watched scuttle across your living room floor while watching The Great British Bake Off (definitely not based on real events), but luckily my dad was talking about my current situation; he comes out with some thought provoking stuff every now and again. I hope his odd, dad mumbo jumbo weirdly inspires you as it did for me.
In conclusion: things are on the up, let’s see where this goes.
Keep shining, see you next time