Hi lovely lot, long time no blog. It’s been a hot minute since I wrote anything, let alone simply opened WordPress to have a quick read. Normally this is the part that I would apologise for lack of posting, and say something along the lines of “I promise I won’t wait so long next time!” or “don’t worry, normal service will resume shortly!” but this time, you won’t catch me saying either of the sort. Life has changed dramatically since I last posted; for those of you that come back each time and nosy in on my little life (I’m not sure why, but nevertheless I appreciate every single one of you), you may remember me mentioning that I got myself a full time job, well, this week I started that job. I have a desk, my own phone extension, a calendar that people request to see, a hideous ID badge photo (which I’m told is normal), and I go to meetings and meet important people making real decisions – It’s been one heck of a culture shock and I’m the most overwhelmed that I’ve been in a long time, but I think it’s going okay (can you tell I’m trying not to jinx it?).
In the week running up to my first day, I became worried that I hadn’t appreciated my time off as much as I should have; I knew that everything was going to change and it started to eat me up – I don’t do well with major change, I tend to feel out of place quite quickly. I tried to find solace in the mundane parts of my day the best I could, like getting up early and walking my dog, so I could sit back after starting work and feel reassured that I hadn’t let all of that free time go to waste – instead I found myself frustrated, knowing deep down that I could’ve done better. In the recent months a feeling like this would’ve fully taken over me; self-care rendered virtually non-existent and those close to me pushed as far away as possible. Not this time, I couldn’t let that happen again. This job – which is technically an apprenticeship but it’s basically the same thing – is essentially my first major step into the scary and daunting adult world. I keep having to pinch myself to double check that this is actually happening, sometimes I just stare at myself in the mirror and think how on Earth did I get here (my imposter syndrome is having a bloody field day).
I like to think of myself as a generally positive person, always believing that good will happen, having faith and (maybe too much) trust in everything, but I’m lying to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am when it comes to others, my family, those around me and virtually any person on the planet (including their dog), but my personal positivity is pretty dire. I always assume the worst when it comes to little old me, I’m constantly preparing for the negative; I’m not certain where this feeling comes from but it manifests not as a voice telling me no, but as a heavy, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Before I started this job I told myself that this had to stop – It has taken me too long to get to this point to be beaten down by my self doubt and lack of confidence, and believe me, it would be an embarrassingly easy fight.
I desperately want to succeed – a feeling I’m rather unfamiliar with. My time in education wasn’t a great one; I really tried to do well in my studies, and I did okay, but I didn’t have that determination I saw, and admired, in those around me. But now, I think I finally have that. This is finally a step in the right direction and could take me to where I’ve daydreamed of being for the longest time – I’m not expecting this to be a walk in the park, if my first few days are anything to go by it’s going to be a very busy 18 months, but instead of wanting to run away from that, I’m excited by it. Things may get a little quieter around these parts as I start to get more stuck in with work life and general projects, I’m not going completely, I just want to make sure I give it all I’ve got, you know?
Keep shining, see you next time